Theology

            Nuclear fire swept across the landscape, searing flora and fauna alike.  A Tidal wave of flame and death that purged and sterilised. Regarded from afar, the firestorm was joined by many more, blooming into existence like lotuses. They merged together until they full encompassed the Earth. For one terrible moment, all that was still alive on the planet knew nothing but pain. The mantle cracked and the celestial body fractured. The Earth entered its final death throes, as cruel gravities tore it apart.

               “Did any of you guys see that?”

                Buddha regarded the shattered sphere. He watched the last fires sputter out as the atmosphere boiled, and turned questioningly to the group.

               “Of course I did, I’m All-Seeing………But why don’t you explain for the benefit of the others?”

                Buddha rolled his eyes. He was a relatively non-threatening small fat man. In one hand he grasped a wine gourd, and a smile continuously played across his lips He glanced over at…. well here was the problem. They guy insisted on being called God. Problem was that they were all gods and this made conversation a little confusing. He was the Judeo-Christian God, and if Buddha was honest he was a little sold on his own hype. A tall well-built man, with long dark hair and a beard clad in white robes.

               “The Earth, it seems to have given up the ghost!”

                God joined Buddha, surveying the devastation.

                “This certainly wasn’t my work. Anyone else have a hand in this? Shiva, this has your M.O. written all over it”

                Shiva glared at God. A beautiful blue-skinned being, with multiple arms extending from her torso, her hands constantly danced in hypnotic patterns and in their own language described the history of the Everything.

                 “Pack it in. You know I promised to run it past everyone before I did anything like that again.”

                 “All I’m saying is that last time we turned our backs we got the Asteroid Belt. I wouldn’t put it past you to ‘let off a little steam’ again.”

                Shiva shrug, a gesture magnified by the overabundance of appendages.

“It wasn’t me”

                She turned to two other beings. They were identical, perfect individuals, with skin that flowed with swirls of black and white, however whatever was projected on one, was inverted on the other. They spoke simultaneously, with voices distinctly different that resonated perfectly together.

                “It seems a balance was disturbed. A small strike escalated into global war and they wiped themselves out. They seem to have a real predilection for that.”

                God shifted uncomfortably.

                “That’s all well and good, Tao, but we need to ascertain who was responsible. Did you happen to be paying attention?”

                At this point a second confident booming voice rang out to crowd from a distance.

               “Are you going to be much longer? We’ve been waiting literally ages”

   The motley pantheon turned to inspect several factions of people, mostly dressed in white robes, all decidedly human looking. They appeared to be engaged in a social gathering, but were currently acting as an audience to Terra’s demise.

“Zeus, I assure you that as soon as we are ready to start again, we’ll let you know. Until then just polish your lightning bolts or something. You had your chance and you failed.”

“No need to be like that, and don’t think I haven’t forgiven your for stealing my look.”

“Well, you know what they say. To err is human…”

“Oh, fuck off.”

Zeus turned back to his compatriots and continued their toga party. Buddha chuckled to himself.

“Considering all your similarities, I would have thought Zeus and you would get along better.”

“If I wanted to hang out with someone similar, I would give Allah a call more often. Zeus is just a dick. Remember the century long sex marathon through Europe. His damned offspring were cropping up everywhere after that”

Shiva smiled at God

“And of course he’s the only one who ever…indulged, right?”

God glared at Shiva. The subject of his child had been a sore point for him for a while now. He was truly a jealous God, and they had even had the gall to name the religion after his son. He was not happy about having to share the limelight, even with family.

“Don’t start. Just because it’s been a couple of centuries since the crusades doesn’t mean I don’t know how to bring down the thunder. Can we get back on track here? What happened to the Earth.”

Tao reversed time to a few moments before the tragedy, and they all scrutinised carefully. Eventually Tao’s voices rang out in triumph.

“We’ve found them. It’s a member of the Russian Army. An electrical fault in his warning system led him to believe he was witnessing the start of an all-out assault against his country and he responded in kind.”

God waved his hands at the two.

“Yes, yes. But get to the important stuff. What religion was he?”

“It seems he didn’t have one. Atheist.”

As one the rest of the group sagged in disappointment. Despite his displeasure, Buddha still grinned at the others.

“House wins”

God stared dejectedly at the earth as the devastation started to play at once again.

“I had the leader of the free world following my bloody book. It was practically a certainty. I really thought I was going to win this time.”

He swept a hand across the fragmented tableau and it started to reassert itself into a sphere.

“Give a Zeus a shout that we are restarting. This time I thinking we push the crocodiles rather than the apes. Might up the hostility and speed things up.

Who else fancies another game?”